Going Back
by ElphieRiaAddams
Summary: It had been a phone call that Bernie had once desired more than anything. Now though... things were different.


**This is a little bit more angsty (but still totally fluffy) then my previous writings on here, which seems apt considering all the Sapphic angst we seem to be experiencing at the moment.**

* * *

"I've been recalled."

Those three words had first of all caused confusion. Serena couldn't for the life of her work out what Bernie was being recalled for. Then the dawning realisation. The army. Her love's previous career. Then, the fear. And the pain.

"Oh."

Serena couldn't find any words to articulate how she felt in that moment. She felt as though she was the one who had just been exploded by an IED in a war-torn region of the world, not her girlfriend.

"Is it voluntary?" she asked eventually, knowing that Bernie wanted her to respond before she continued.

The shake of the blonde's head gave Serena the answer she desperately feared.

"I... I have to go." Bernie's voice was soft, quiet, and so very close to breaking. Serena knew every nuance of her girlfriend of a year's voice, and she knew how scared Bernie was in that moment.

"When did you find out?"

"An hour ago. My former commanding officer phoned, saying that they were in desperate need of trained officers to command the new medical units that are being sent out. Too many have... they've lost so many of their officers recently... and they are working their way back through the most recently discharged. I... I knew it was happening, but I didn't think... I was medically discharged... if I wasn't fit then, why am I fit now?"

Bernie looked Serena dead in the eye for the first time since she'd entered the living room, and Serena could feel her heart breaking as she saw the tears and the terror in the eyes of her blonde macho army medic. The nickname now terribly ironic as she was soon to once again fulfil the role.

"Bernie love, you... surely you could appeal it?"

"I would be given the same answer at the appeal. I'm apparently now physical competent to fulfil the role and I've been recalled. It's my duty. They said that when they first discharged me. You know, at the time, that was all I wanted, to be recalled. Now, now I wish the British Army was as far away from me, from us, as possible."

"I know sweetheart," said Serena, moving to Bernie's side, her arms wrapping around the blonde's waist, "but you said it yourself, it's your duty. You have to do it. Have they said how long the posting is?"

"Anywhere from 3 months to a year. They want me to set up a trauma unit in Helmand. Again. Well, the first one wasn't really a trauma unit, it was a training centre. This time, they've finally got a functioning central hospital of sorts but they're not currently equipped for the large trauma cases. And recently that's what they've been facing. More IED's, more landmines, more roadside bombs. And they need a trauma unit."

Serena pulled back at the tone of Bernie's voice. As much as the blonde was terrified about what was to come, she had sounded so sure about the mission; that it was something that was desperately needed out there to help others.

"It sounds like your calling Bernie. And you're so good, I'm sure you'll be back in no time at all."

"You don't understand Serena," said Bernie, taking a step back, away from Serena's warm embrace, "if I do well and get it set up and running in 3 months, they'll give me another commission, and another, and another. In some ways, the only way out is to be a failure."

"And you're anything but a failure Berenice Wolfe," said Serena, suddenly realising her girlfriend's concerns. Neither prospect was particularly palatable, but especially not as a couple.  
Unlike Kiev and the last time Bernie's expertise had been used in such a way, she would not be able to go and visit the blonde.  
Instead, they'd only get to see each other when Bernie could get some leave. And Serena knew, from Bernie's stories, that they wouldn't even be able to claim for partner's leave as they were not married, and, whilst the army was not outwardly homophobic, their relationship would not be particularly well received.

* * *

Serena didn't know what to do, or what to say to Bernie.

She was unable to placate her fears; she didn't know anything about Helmand except for what she saw on the news and what little she had been told by Bernie.  
She couldn't get angry at Bernie; it wasn't in any way her fault. But she was angry, and hurt. It had taken them both so long to find each other and the happiness that seemingly came with it.  
And now she was not only losing her happiness for a period, but there was a very real danger that she might lose her love forever, especially as Serena knew that Bernie would put herself in the line of fire before she put any of her soldiers in danger.

Running her hand down Bernie's arm as the pair stood in silence, Serena grasped Bernie's hand and pulled her to sit on the sofa beside her, both settling into the cushions, their bodies pressed together from shoulder to thigh.

For several minutes, both women sat, immersed in their own thoughts as they tried to compute the news. Although Bernie had the extra hour, it seemed like it still hadn't sunk in for her. Serena could feel the trembling that seemed to run down her side. Looking at Bernie, she could see the blonde was shaking, silent tears running down her cheeks.

"Oh Bernie, sweetheart," Serena could feel her own tears building but held them back as she tried to comfort her. Serena turned her body on the couch, pulling Bernie down to rest her head on Serena's chest as the tears continued to flow.

"It's OK Bernie, darling, let it out. You really shouldn't try and bottle this up, it's not good for you."

Serena received no verbal response, instead she could feel Bernie's shoulders begin to shake as her tears turned into sobs. Sobs that let Serena know that her girlfriend was terrified. And it was enough to cause Serena's own eyes to finally flood over, her tears running stubbornly down her cheeks.

There was nothing that Serena felt she could say to help ease Bernie's pain, so she just let her cry until she finally began to hiccup into silence by herself. When they were both finally quiet Bernie sat up, gazing into the chocolate tones of Serena's gaze.

"What do we do?" she asked shakily.

"We keep going. We go to work, we talk to Hanssen about all of this, and we enjoy being with each other for every moment that we possibly can before we... before you..."

"Before I leave." Bernie's statement took Serena's breath once again.

"Don't... please don't say it like that."

"Like what?"

"Like it's so final. Like it's going to be the end of us, of everything."

"Well, isn't it? I can't hold you back, you're such a beautiful woman, and now that you've discovered that it's not only men who fall at your feet then you'll have plenty of people who can be there for you. I... I wasn't a good partner when I was in the army; I was always away and that's what realistically killed my marriage. And I don't want to put you through that; I don't want you to resent me. Why are you looking at me like that Serena?"

Serena couldn't help but shake her head in disbelief.

"Bernie, you ran away, literally ran from me, to Kiev for three months. And I was still here when you got back. What makes you think that I'll not wait for you when you're not leaving me? When I know that I still have your heart and your love? At least, I hope so, or is this some convoluted way of you getting rid of me?"

"Don't say that!" said Bernie, sitting back sharply and taking a hold of Serena's shoulders, almost squeezing her painfully. "I would never... Serena, I love you. And I just want what's best for you."

"And when will you get it into your thick skull that it's you that I want Bernie? And you're what's best for me, and always will be. Although, I must, admit, that joke was probably not made at the best of times. I'm sorry love."

"Serena, please, I can't bear to think that you'd be in any sort of pain if something were to happen to me again."

"Bernie, I'd be in more pain if I was not to know. If I couldn't just email you, or write to you, or anything. Then my mind would automatically think that you were dead and no-one had told me. And that would hurt me more than anything. I just... no Bernie, this is Serena being selfish, I want you. And I won't take no for an answer."

"What did I ever do to deserve you Serena?"

Bernie leant forward, a soft smile in place as she pressed her lips to Serena's. As they did, she leant forward, wrapping her arms around Serena as she guided her back to lie on the sofa, their lips never parting.

The passion behind the kiss quickly escalated, with Serena pulling Bernie closer so their bodies now lay parallel along the sofa cushions, their legs intertwining and their hands roaming over each other's bodies. Their lips parted briefly only so they could take a gasp of breath before they were once again kissing deeply, tongues and teeth soon pulling, nipping and exploring each other's mouths.

It was only when Bernie let out a particularly loud moan that the pair of them remembered where they were. Whilst Jason was well used to walking in to the kitchen or living room to find the two women kissing, they were quite unwilling for him to witness them in flagrante on the sofa.

"Shall we go upstairs love?" asked Serena, allowing her arms to fall away from Bernie's waist.

As the pair of them stood, Bernie helping Serena to her feet from her prone position, they linked hands, not letting go until they were finally in their bedroom. Bernie had moved in only six weeks previously, when both had conceded that they spent more nights together than they did apart now, and that it would make more sense for them to share, particularly considering that Serena had been moaning a little about rattling around her house when Jason was away.

It was another irony that Serena could feel was kicking her in the gut as she had the horrible thought that they would only get those six weeks together before their happiness was forever destroyed.

Bernie turned to look at Serena, sensing that her partner had stopped getting ready for bed. Seeing her frozen, her eyes glistening and her mind clearly elsewhere motivated Bernie to quickly move around the bed to Serena's side.

"Hey 'Rena, it's going to be OK. You know me, I'm your Big Macho Army Medic am I not? How could I not come back to you? People would be too scared of me to even attempt to stop me from doing what I want. And you know, I never really took advantage of it, but, as a commanding officer, I have some more perks than the usual grunt. I can come back and see you as often as possible. I promise, I won't be leaving you alone any longer than I possibly have to. Serena? Do you hear me?"

Serena could only nod, her brain computing Bernie's words but not quite able to formulate a response more verbal and eloquent.

"Right, this isn't going to help you. Come on, let's get you ready for bed."

Bernie carefully guided Serena's arms up and gently undressed her lover, the intent of her touch being far more comforting than arousing at that moment. When she finally managed to help Serena into a baggy t-shirt, she was thankful to note than Serena was being far more co-operative than she had been beforehand.

"Right, I think we've had a long day, and as much as I enjoy spending time with my hands and mouth all over your body, I think we just need to hold each other tonight."

Bernie manoeuvred the pair of them into the bed, sitting back against the headboard so she could rest Serena's head in her lap.

* * *

Neither woman could tell you how long they had stayed there, Bernie playing softly with Serena's short hair whilst Serena traced delicate patterns on Bernie's thigh. It was only when Bernie could feel herself nodding off that she finally tapped Serena's shoulder.

"As much as I enjoy holding you like this Ser, I'd rather not be a cripple tomorrow. After all, I have a lot of things to organise now."

The pair of them slipped down the bed, moving so they were lying under the covers side-by-side. Even when Serena reached back and turned off the bedside light, the two women could find each other's gaze in the dim light from outside.

"Are you OK Serena?"

"I am now," she said softly, "now that I know that you're coming back to me. Now that I know that I'm not going to lose you over something so silly. We've survived a separation before, what makes this one any different?"

"We weren't together then Serena."

"I know we weren't. But we both knew how we felt about each other. We knew that we wanted each other, that we cared for each other. But we didn't know how to be together. Now we do, and now we know that will stay in touch and not let the other run again, not without a fight."

"I don't know why you ever forgave me for that Ser."

"Because I love you," Serena's hand softly stroked Bernie's cheek, her thumb carefully running across her lips, "and because you promised that you would never do it again. If you'd even attempted anything more than you did tonight, trying to be all noble and that crap then you'd have been out on your ear Berenice."

"Hey, what did I do to deserve the full name?"

"Just a little warning. That I'd better not wake up in the morning in an empty bed. In fact..."

Serena pushed on Bernie's shoulder, making her blonde roll onto her other side, her back to Serena. The shorter of the pair quickly threw an arm over Bernie's lithe waist, pulling their bodies flush.

"There, now you're going nowhere."

Instead of her usual sarcasm, Bernie could only find a reply filled with affection.

"Don't ever change Serena, please. I love you and I will come home to you."

"I know you will. And I'll be waiting for you to step of that plane and back into my arms. No matter how long it takes."

The two women knew that their looming separation would test them, but they also knew that they would survive it. After all, it had taken them long enough to realise that they were perfect together. It would take more than some poxy soldiers and a couple of thousand miles to break them apart again.


End file.
